angry.

Currently, my church, Liberty Baptist, has been going through the Sunday night sermon series, “Good ‘N Angry.”  The series, obviously, centers around the topic of addressing and dealing with anger.  Now, to be quite honest, last week I left church thinking the following:  "this really doesn’t apply to me"..."I don’t really ever get angry"..."I don’t lash out at people, I don’t throw fits"..."I'm just not an angry person.”

Tonight, my thoughts were quite the opposite.

Tonight, I left realizing that for the past 2.5 years, I have fed the root of bitterness until it has developed into a shoot of pure anger just waiting for the perfect moment to blossom.  

I’m angry at God.

I’m angry that He hasn’t answered specific prayers in the ways that I have wanted.

I’m angry that He has shut doors in my face that I wanted opened.

I’m angry because I have felt “stuck” in my current circumstances.

And I’m angry because I feel like He has given other people blessings, relationships, fulfilled dreams, purpose, clarity...and yet not me.

I’m angry at others.

I’m angry because I feel like I've been put in a box.

I'm angry becasue I feel like nobody understands "the real me."

I’m angry because I feel like I strive to encourage others, yet don't feel encouraged in return.  

I’m angry because I feel used - and only valued when I'm "needed."

And I’m angry because I feel invisible. 

I’m angry at myself.

I’m angry because I feel like a failure.

I’m angry because I am nowhere near where I’d envisioned I would be at 25.   

I'm angry because I feel that despite my hard work, it wasn't enough.

I'm angry because I feel like I'm not enough.

I'm angry because I feel selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed.

And I'm angry because...well, I'm angry.

And for over two years, I have stuffed all this anger down deep...way down deep, yet little by little, with every closed door, every discouraged moment, and each feeling of invisibility, the anger has released itself as tears…falling one by one, evidence of a hardening, angry heart.

And so there you have it. 

I’m angry.

So, why, you might ask – am I airing this very personal revelation on the Internet?  Isn’t this the kind of thing you save for a diary or something?  For that matter, isn't anger BAD? 

Well, I'm glad you asked.

I'm airing my junk out right here on the Internet because I know that I am not the only person who has ever been angry at God, at others, or at themselves.  I know that at least one of the two people who actually reads my blog has been angry at some point.  And, so, for you, Reader, I write to encourage you - that anger, left unchecked to grow and fester, will leave you isolated, handicapped, and bitter.

This in mind, tonight I sat down and wrote, in specifics, each situation, each person, and each personal struggle that I believe has contributed to my anger.  Leaving no rock unturned, I composed a much lengthier list that I would ever like to admit.  And when my list was complete, I ripped it up.

And then I flushed it down the toilet.  

Yes, you read that right, I flushed it down the toilet (And you can, too!)

Now, I'm clearly not on the other side of this one yet. 

But, I am believing God for that other side.  I'm believing God to redeem my anger, and to channel it into a reflective practice that challenges the jealousy, insecurity, fear, and doubt that have fueled my anger, and I'm believing God to renew my mind with biblical truth.    

And if you are angry, Reader, I challenge you to believe God for these things, too. 

Because He is not afraid of our anger.

Because God can handle our anger. 

Because God wants to take our anger...and replace it with grace.  

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30