must tell Jesus.

I must tell Jesus all of my trials,
I cannot bear these burdens alone;
In my distress He kindly will help me,
He ever loves and cares for His own.

I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!
I cannot bear my burdens alone;
I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!
Jesus can help me, Jesus alone.

I must tell Jesus all of my troubles,
He is a kind, compassionate Friend;
If I but ask Him He will deliver,
Make of my troubles quickly an end.

Tempted and tried I need a great Savior,
One who can help my burdens to bear;
I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus:
He all my cares and sorrows will share.

What must I do when worldliness calls me?
What must I do when tempted to sin?
I must tell Jesus, and He will help me
Over the world the vict’ry to win.

--Edith Hoffman

remind me who I am.

When I lose my way
When I forget my name
Remind me who I am

In the mirror all I see
is who I don’t wanna be
Remind me who I am

In the loneliest places
When I can’t remember what grace is

Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
I belong to You
To You

When my heart is like a stone
and I’m running far from home
Remind me who I am
When I can’t receive Your love
Afraid I’ll never be enough
Remind me who I am

If I’m Your beloved
Can You help me believe it

Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
I belong to You
To You

I’m the one You love
I’m the one You love
That will be enough
I’m the one You love

Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
That I belong to You

Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
That I belong to You
To You
To You

-Jason Gray/Remind Me Who I Am

angry.

Currently, my church, Liberty Baptist, has been going through the Sunday night sermon series, “Good ‘N Angry.”  The series, obviously, centers around the topic of addressing and dealing with anger.  Now, to be quite honest, last week I left church thinking the following:  "this really doesn’t apply to me"..."I don’t really ever get angry"..."I don’t lash out at people, I don’t throw fits"..."I'm just not an angry person.”

Tonight, my thoughts were quite the opposite.

Tonight, I left realizing that for the past 2.5 years, I have fed the root of bitterness until it has developed into a shoot of pure anger just waiting for the perfect moment to blossom.  

I’m angry at God.

I’m angry that He hasn’t answered specific prayers in the ways that I have wanted.

I’m angry that He has shut doors in my face that I wanted opened.

I’m angry because I have felt “stuck” in my current circumstances.

And I’m angry because I feel like He has given other people blessings, relationships, fulfilled dreams, purpose, clarity...and yet not me.

I’m angry at others.

I’m angry because I feel like I've been put in a box.

I'm angry becasue I feel like nobody understands "the real me."

I’m angry because I feel like I strive to encourage others, yet don't feel encouraged in return.  

I’m angry because I feel used - and only valued when I'm "needed."

And I’m angry because I feel invisible. 

I’m angry at myself.

I’m angry because I feel like a failure.

I’m angry because I am nowhere near where I’d envisioned I would be at 25.   

I'm angry because I feel that despite my hard work, it wasn't enough.

I'm angry because I feel like I'm not enough.

I'm angry because I feel selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed.

And I'm angry because...well, I'm angry.

And for over two years, I have stuffed all this anger down deep...way down deep, yet little by little, with every closed door, every discouraged moment, and each feeling of invisibility, the anger has released itself as tears…falling one by one, evidence of a hardening, angry heart.

And so there you have it. 

I’m angry.

So, why, you might ask – am I airing this very personal revelation on the Internet?  Isn’t this the kind of thing you save for a diary or something?  For that matter, isn't anger BAD? 

Well, I'm glad you asked.

I'm airing my junk out right here on the Internet because I know that I am not the only person who has ever been angry at God, at others, or at themselves.  I know that at least one of the two people who actually reads my blog has been angry at some point.  And, so, for you, Reader, I write to encourage you - that anger, left unchecked to grow and fester, will leave you isolated, handicapped, and bitter.

This in mind, tonight I sat down and wrote, in specifics, each situation, each person, and each personal struggle that I believe has contributed to my anger.  Leaving no rock unturned, I composed a much lengthier list that I would ever like to admit.  And when my list was complete, I ripped it up.

And then I flushed it down the toilet.  

Yes, you read that right, I flushed it down the toilet (And you can, too!)

Now, I'm clearly not on the other side of this one yet. 

But, I am believing God for that other side.  I'm believing God to redeem my anger, and to channel it into a reflective practice that challenges the jealousy, insecurity, fear, and doubt that have fueled my anger, and I'm believing God to renew my mind with biblical truth.    

And if you are angry, Reader, I challenge you to believe God for these things, too. 

Because He is not afraid of our anger.

Because God can handle our anger. 

Because God wants to take our anger...and replace it with grace.  

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

25 lessons on living well.

In honor of my 25th birthday, I thought I would compile a list of life lessons I have learned...gradually...over the years.  Many, the hard & bumpy way.  Here's hoping this will bring some encouragement and challenge to you today, Reader, to not just live, but live well.

(1) To quote Bob (the Tomato) & Larry (the Cucumber), "God made me special, and He loves me very much."  Dear Reader, He made you special, too, and loves you to death.  Literally.

(2) Leadership, as summed up by John Piper:  "The aim of leadership is not to demonstrate the superiority of the leader, but to bring out all the strengths of people."  Leadership...well, it just isn't about me. 

(3)  One of the most significant things I can do in a day is to encourage someone to keep going & to never quit...starting with myself. 

(4)  Wondering what the difference between regular vanilla & french vanilla ice cream is?  It's eggs! Who knew?

(5)  Redemption happens everyday.  Grace really is enough for me.

(6)  Rest is as absolutely essential to my relationship with God as any other spiritual discipline.

(7)  As far as family goes, well, I am just very blessed.   

(8)  An Americano with a shot of vanilla & some half/half is almost as good as a latte, and about $1.50 cheaper. 

(9)  Chase the dream.  God planted it in you for a reason.  Don't squelch it.  Don't deny it.  And, don't fear it.    

(10)  Narrow the focus:  It is better to be an inch wide and a mile deep, that a mile wide and an inch deep. 

(11)  The Gospel is the answer to every problem I'll ever face in this life.

(12)  Keep the main thing the main thing (and the main thing ain't me!).  I would rather die a faithful "nobody" to this world, than an unfaithful "somebody."

(13)  Money doesn't grow on trees.  Oh, were that it did...

(14)  Feeling inadequate in what you do?  Don't sulk, don't pout - get better.

(15)  Dear single Christian, enjoy this time...value it...it is not a punishment from God...it is a gift. 

(16)  Sometimes, you just need a quick run in the rain.

(17)  Preparation precedes opportunity.

(18)  Integrity beats talent...every time.  If not at first, then eventually.

(19)  Treasure the time with your loved ones before you find yourself wishing you had treasured it. 

(20)  Oh, that pesky humility:  "Humility is not something you have until humbling yourself is something you do."  -Beth Moore / /Do you seek great things for yourself?  Seek them not.  -Jeremiah 45:5 // Jesus came as a baby in a manger...worked as a carpenter... and "took on the very nature of a servant." 

(21)  The minute you look next door at your neighbor's life, is the minute you lose sight of the Savior.  He has a unique plan for me.

(22)  "Follow your heart" is absolutely THE worst advice anyone could ever give you.  Your heart is decpetively wicked above all things.  Follow Christ, because he is greater than your heart.

(23)  Love is patient, love is kind...it is not rude nor self-seeking.  It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Let's love like this.

(24)  Patience is a virtue.  Sometimes, God just says wait. 

(25)  And, lastly, live the moment, don't always long for the past or wish for the future.  Just enjoy the here and now.  It will be gone all too soon.

books, books, books

I love books.  I love everything about books - from the way they smell, to the way they look on my bookshelf, to the escapes from reality they provide.  In general, I hate shopping - but I love bookstores (especially bookstores with coffee! :))  This is a love I have no doubt acquired from my mother, who has, at one time or another, dragged me into every bookstore on the east coast.  Perhaps as a result of the hours upon hours of my childhood that were spent in random bookshops, I must confess, I just love walking into a bookstore and coming out with a good book.  Or two.  Or eight. 

My compulsive book-buying habit has resulted, however, in a bit of a good problem to have.  It seems, for all my new treasures, the follow scenario occurs: I buy the book, I get really excited to read the book, I read the first page, I get distracted, I put the book on my bookshelf, I never read the book.  Therefore, please note my current "to read" bookshelf below:

These are not all of my books. These are just almost all of the books I have bought since 2009. The rest of my books are packed in boxes in the basement awaiting the day that I move and they come with me to my library that will look like this...

And I will sit in my library and look like this...

                                           

While I wait for someone who looks like this...

...to come find me.

Okay, wait. Where was I? 

Ah, yes, books.

Anyway, I have set the following goal for myself:  I will not buy another book until I read every book on my bookshelf (although I just recently cheated…hey, it was on sale!). 

I am, therefore, buckling down on myself because I truly have some excellent reads on my bookshelf that need to be digested.  Stay tuned as I'm sure I'll much to share as I push towards my goal!  : )

kicking & screaming

I love to people watch. Put me in the courtyard of a shopping mall, or sit me on a bench at a theme park, and I’m entertained for hours. There is just something strangely fascinating about catching that momentary glimpse into the life of another – one more reminder that, for all our differences, we humans are very much the same.

Today was no different.

Midday, I found myself sitting in Thomas Road Baptist Church’s lobby, struggling to reign in my desire to let mind and eyes wander freely away from my not-nearly-as-interesting statistics homework. Despite my best efforts, I could not help but find myself immediately startled by the abrupt scream of a small child.

And boy, do I ever mean scream.

It was a “she’s gonna get a good spanking for this” kind of scream that caused every eye in the lobby to glance upwards. To my immediate right was the source of the commotion – a brown-haired little girl, approximately age four or five. Writhing in her mother’s grip, this little girl was using every bit of strength she possessed to break free as she was led, kicking and screaming, towards the nearest exit. With a resolved expression, despite the intense struggle, her mother led them both, at a quickened pace, towards the door.

Boy, did they ever make a scene.

I’ve been around small children my whole life. Temper tantrums do not faze me one bit.  But, I would hazard a guess that, for most of us, children's temper-tantrums are considered reserved for...well, children.  But, despite maturity and a developing knowledge of what is deemed socially acceptable and what is not (public fit-throwing being high upon that “not” list), God knows that, even now, in the privacy of my own heart, many a fit has been thrown. So, you see, I have no room to judge.

“Lord, I WILL NOT go there.”


“Do not MAKE me go through that.”


“I do NOT WANT to feel this.”


“WHY HER, Lord, and NOT ME?”

Inner kicks...inner screams.

I never could quite make out the original cause of my little friend’s displeasure. Ultimately, it’s not that important. Whatever the cause, I am confident that her mama was planning to deal with it in the privacy of the car. But, the bottom line is that mama did not let my little friend’s fit slow her down, alter her direction, or change her mind. She had made her own little plans, but mama’s were different.

And I’m confident that mama’s were better.

Oh, there is a lesson to be learned everywhere – even from a little four-year-old in the church lobby. May her very human, childlike impulse reinforce the same lesson that my Heavenly Father has been patiently teaching me to live out – His plans are always better. I may carve out my own agenda, but ultimately, He will direct my steps. And, He is a lot more interested in His glory than my pleasure.

My impulse is far too often the very same as my four-year old friend – to follow along, kicking and screaming, missing the journey, forfeiting the joy I could…and should…have in the process. Ultimately, wasting my strength in a battle I will not win.  May I learn, in these times, not to fight Him, but to submit.  

Lord, may you fill me with the spiritual maturity to accept your loving guidance as that of a Parent whose wisdom is greater, and whose agenda is better, even when I cannot see it. With my hand gripped tightly in Your own, help my heart rest in the knowledge that though the journey is often not what I would choose, Your leading is intentional, purposeful, and clear.

Thank you, Lord, for lessons learned in the most unexpected places.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

just lies.

It has been one of those nights. You know the kind. The kind where, for whatever reason, it feels like the bottom has fallen out…again. You know that part of it is because of your own selfishness, part of it jealousy, but the truth of the matter is, the discontentment you’ve attempted to bury deep inside (because you know that, as a Christian, you’re “not supposed” to feel discontent) has risen like a geyser from the deep places where you’ve kept it hidden.

And you’re tired of waiting on God.

Tired of attempting to take action, but not knowing how to look or where to look or what that even means.

Tired of feeling confused, in limbo, and completely alone.

Tired of feeling lost.

Okay, maybe I’m the only one.

But, with the unlocked storehouse of discontentment, other hidden sins arise in tandem - anxiety, fear, jealousy, and confusion, all cycling furiously like a tornado in my mind. And, in their midst, little whispers, ones I’ve heard many times before, speak out again:

“You just don’t have what it takes. Just settle.”

“You will never amount to anything. Stop trying.”

“You are not smart enough for those dreams. Don’t chase them.”

“You will never be pretty enough...or thin enough. Just face it.”

“You’re not worth getting to know. Don’t let them try.”

“You’re simply not brave enough. Play it safe.”

And for a few moments, I let myself believe each and every one.

I was one of those kids that “grew up in church.” I’ve been a Christian since July 31, 1997. But I’ve been in church since conception. And it feels like, since that very moment, my lifelong struggle has been believing the whispers. Hating the whispers, but never knowing what to say to make them go away. What to do, what to read, who to talk to. Feeling that 14 years of being a Christian should have “taught me by now” how to shut them down? Or, quite frankly, to not hear them at all?

But tonight was different.

In a court of law, an accused man is entitled to a proper defense. And in the case of the innocent, that defense consists of little more than simply presenting the Truth. 

Tonight, as I lay curled in the fetal position, I imagined the Father holding me, stroking my hair as He presented His Truth, in my defense, not as a whisper, but as a firm declaration:

She will always have “what it takes” because it is I who works in her to will and to act according to My good purpose. (Phil. 2:13)

She can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens her. (Phil. 4:13)

My divine power has given her everything she needs for life and godliness through her knowledge of Me. (2 Peter 1:3)

She is My handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for her to do. (Eph. 2:10)

She is altogether beautiful…there is not one flaw within her. (Song of Solomon 4:7)

She is fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

I have not given her a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, of power, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

And with his gentle declarations over me, the storm ceases. The peacefulness of my heart is restored.  My joy returns.  The whispers fade.

Because, what I have learned is that His voice is the only one that drowns out the whispers.

His voice exposes them for what they really are:

Just lies.

the big 25 before 25.

Exactly seven months from today (at 6:44 p.m. if you want to be really exact about it), I will be turning 25 years old.  Aside from the typical feelings of "how in the world is this even possible?" and "it's all downhill from here," I do realize that reaching the ripe old age of 25 is a major milestone, and I am grateful to God for the experiences that He has provided me and the opportunities I have had thus far in my life.  
At any rate, in the anticipation of my big quarter-life birthday celebration, I sat down with a blank piece of paper and made a list of the goals, dreams, and ambitions that I desire to achieve before turning the big 2-5. I call this list “The BIG 25 before 25” and have instituted a detailed plan of action in order to achieve these goals before October 17th rolls around.  In composing this list, I have considered each of the various aspects of life - spiritual, physical, academic, emotional, etc.  As you might imagine, it was not as easy as you might think to develop 25 goals that are realistically achievable in just 7th months.  Nevertheless, I believe I have composed a fairly practical and attainable list; therefore, without further ado, I give you the BIG 25 before 25...  

(1) Read the Bible through in 6 months
(2) Memorize one chapter of Scripture each week (with no plans to end this habit on October 17th!)
(3) Write a letter of encouragement to 25 people
(4) Purchase and learn to use a DSLR camera
(5) Buy a car (this one is regretfully included only because I feel the day is rapidly approaching, though I am in no rush to part with my old friend, Green Lightning)
(6) Start a mutual fund
(7) Make a quilt out of all of my favorite childhood t-shirts (currently stored away for safekeeping)
(8) Complete my high school scrapbook
(9) Complete my college scrapbook
(10) Be published
(11) Learn to play Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No. 23 in F minor
(12) Sing a solo (without passing out and/or throwing up)
(13) Pass all 6 of my CLEP tests!
(14) Ride along the beach on a horse wearing a white dress and cowboy boots (this is a dream I've had since I was 8 years old.  I thought it couldn’t hurt to add it to the list...)
(15) Take a painting class
(16) Lose 30 pounds (which might require me to find a new church, new job, new friends, or all three:))
(17) Run a 5K
(18) Learn to play more than an E minor chord on the guitar
(19) Work towards fluency in Spanish
(20) Develop my blog (any progress would be better than the status quo!)
(21) Read one non-academic book per week
(22) Knit a scarf
(23) Maintain a 4.0 in my graduate degree program
(24) Let go of my pent up anger towards everyone in the dental profession (aka: Go to the dentist without fear)
(25) Be intentional about developing new friendships and maintaining old ones

I am excited to pursue and (hopefully!) achieve these goals.  What an exciting way to look towards birthday 25!  Stay tuned for updates on progress:)