reasons kelly should never go anywhere alone.

I wish that I was one of those people who could do…anything…without at least one embarrassing moment.

But, alas, I’m just not.

Here’s the latest...

Job interview #1 was scheduled and on the books!  I packed up my car & headed to Williamsburg to  spend the night as my interview was scheduled for 9 am and 3 hours away from home.  I left around 5:00 and enjoyed an event-free drive to my hotel.  When I arrived in town, I decided to drive to the site of my interview so that I could easily find it the next morning.  I found the building on William & Mary's campus quickly and easily, pleased that everything was going so according to schedule (so far).

On Tuesday morning, I woke up in plenty of time to dress, mentally prepare, and find some COFFEE before arriving to my interview by 8:40.  I did not, however, anticipate the 8 mile long drive-thru line at the Dunkin Donuts on the corner that I had seen the night before.

"Okay."  I thought.  "I'll just find a Plan B...it's a college for crying out loud.  There's bound to be somewhere to find coffee."

I drove around the campus at least 3 times before I began to lose hope in finding pre-interview coffee.  And, it was about this same time that I saw the blue lights in my rearview mirror.

Wait...what?  Blue lights? 

I couldn't have been going more than 10 miles an hour, so why in the world was I being pulled over?

Of course, the spot I found to pull over in was the most awkwardly obvious spot to have an encounter with the law in the entire city of Williamsburg. 

The officer approached my window and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but are you in a hurry or something?"

I'm going 10 miles per hour.

"No, sir, not at all!"

"Well, ma'am, you just ran right through that stop sign back there."
I swear, I never saw that stop sign.

"Sir, I am so sorry, I never saw the stop sign."

"Ma'am, can I see your license & registration?"

Oh, great.

"Are you a student here?"

Grace?  Mercy?

"No, sir...I am not from the area at all...I'm just here for a job interview.  I am just on my way there now, and I'm a bit turned around.  I was just trying to find the building from this part of campus."

The officer paused.  Sighed.  Smiled slightly.  

"Well, just be careful, ma'am, there are many pedestrians on campus...you can follow me, I'll take you to your interview."

Wait, what?

As we arrived at the career center, the police officer motioned for me to pull in beside his car.  Rolling down the window, he smiled, "Be careful, ma'am....and....good luck in there."

"Uh, thanks."  Please, dear Lord, don't let my interviewers be looking at the window.

And herein lies the narrative of how I scored a police escort to my latest job interview...and presently, reason #463,528 why Kelly should not travel alone.     

sunday lunch & a lesson in love.

Have you ever, in the middle of doing something really ordinary, heard God speaking?

In these moments, I always look around, anxious to share it with someone…anyone.  And, I know that even though I was just washing dishes, or driving in my car, or doing laundry, I will never forget the lesson as long as I live.  Because God showed up…in the middle of the mundane…the Creator of the Universe spoke to me.

I suppose I woke up with a chip on my shoulder. 

I seem to do that sometimes…particularly on Sundays.  I suppose those are the days I feel particularly insecure or especially tired…and don’t get enough coffee.    

But, after church, I was giving my dad & brother a ride home.  And, you know, it just doesn’t matter how old you get, when you’re driving and your father, the man who taught you how to drive, is in the passenger seat, I suppose you should just embrace the criticism.  It’s going to come. 

“Kelly, you really ought to slow down.”

DAD, I KNOW HOW TO DRIVE.

“Kelly, you need to ease into the brakes.”

SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU THINK I DO WHEN YOU’RE NOT IN THE CAR?

“Kelly, you really shouldn’t take that curve so quickly.”

DAD, IT’S FINE…IT’S JUST HOW I DRIVE.

I didn’t embrace it.  It made me mad. 

I don’t handle criticism very well.

So, I did what every good Christian girl ought to do driving home from church (where the sermon was on unity in the body, by the way) – I blew up.  Of course, I waited to do this until we were almost in the driveway, so that I could rush inside & promptly and maturely turn on the silent treatment.

Oh, I was keeping it up pretty good.  Responding to questions of “what do you want for lunch?” with a mumbled “I’m not hungry.”  Door slammed shut.

Okay, really, not my finest moment.

It was then that my dad knocked on my door – and I will spare the details.  But, we had it out.  It wasn’t pretty.  This was about more than the car ride home.      

As he turned to leave, I, furiously angry, looked at him…really looked at him for the first time in a long time.

And I softened at what I saw.

Tired.

Lines around his eyes that didn’t use to be there. 

Sad. 

My grandfather, his closest friend, no longer here to look after.

Beaten down.

In need of encouragement, not my angry words. 

And I cried at my selfishness. 

And, God said – “I don’t care how you feel.  Get up and serve your father.”

And so I did.

We had a real spread for lunch on Sunday…and I did the dishes.  And cleaned the house. 

Because love is patient, love is kind…it is not rude or self-seeking.  It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love is not a feeling, love is action. 

Love is service.

I would tell you that I "love" my dad, but if I am honest, I rarely serve him.  By God's definition, how can you say that you love someone that you do not serve?  By God's definition, those you do not serve, you do not truly love.

By God's definition, this girl needs a whole lot of work in this department.

And, so, in the middle of a mundane Sunday afternoon, God showed up - convicting me with the reality of my own selfishness, my own pride, and the hypocrisy of my claims of who I love.

Sometimes, the clearest lesson are found in the mundane.  

Are you listening?

unredeemed.

The cruelest word
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years
Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be
Unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be
Unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be
Unredeemed

must tell Jesus.

I must tell Jesus all of my trials,
I cannot bear these burdens alone;
In my distress He kindly will help me,
He ever loves and cares for His own.

I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!
I cannot bear my burdens alone;
I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!
Jesus can help me, Jesus alone.

I must tell Jesus all of my troubles,
He is a kind, compassionate Friend;
If I but ask Him He will deliver,
Make of my troubles quickly an end.

Tempted and tried I need a great Savior,
One who can help my burdens to bear;
I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus:
He all my cares and sorrows will share.

What must I do when worldliness calls me?
What must I do when tempted to sin?
I must tell Jesus, and He will help me
Over the world the vict’ry to win.

--Edith Hoffman

remind me who I am.

When I lose my way
When I forget my name
Remind me who I am

In the mirror all I see
is who I don’t wanna be
Remind me who I am

In the loneliest places
When I can’t remember what grace is

Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
I belong to You
To You

When my heart is like a stone
and I’m running far from home
Remind me who I am
When I can’t receive Your love
Afraid I’ll never be enough
Remind me who I am

If I’m Your beloved
Can You help me believe it

Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
I belong to You
To You

I’m the one You love
I’m the one You love
That will be enough
I’m the one You love

Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
That I belong to You

Tell me once again who I am to You
Who I am to You
Tell me
Lest I forget who I am to You
That I belong to You
To You
To You

-Jason Gray/Remind Me Who I Am

angry.

Currently, my church, Liberty Baptist, has been going through the Sunday night sermon series, “Good ‘N Angry.”  The series, obviously, centers around the topic of addressing and dealing with anger.  Now, to be quite honest, last week I left church thinking the following:  "this really doesn’t apply to me"..."I don’t really ever get angry"..."I don’t lash out at people, I don’t throw fits"..."I'm just not an angry person.”

Tonight, my thoughts were quite the opposite.

Tonight, I left realizing that for the past 2.5 years, I have fed the root of bitterness until it has developed into a shoot of pure anger just waiting for the perfect moment to blossom.  

I’m angry at God.

I’m angry that He hasn’t answered specific prayers in the ways that I have wanted.

I’m angry that He has shut doors in my face that I wanted opened.

I’m angry because I have felt “stuck” in my current circumstances.

And I’m angry because I feel like He has given other people blessings, relationships, fulfilled dreams, purpose, clarity...and yet not me.

I’m angry at others.

I’m angry because I feel like I've been put in a box.

I'm angry becasue I feel like nobody understands "the real me."

I’m angry because I feel like I strive to encourage others, yet don't feel encouraged in return.  

I’m angry because I feel used - and only valued when I'm "needed."

And I’m angry because I feel invisible. 

I’m angry at myself.

I’m angry because I feel like a failure.

I’m angry because I am nowhere near where I’d envisioned I would be at 25.   

I'm angry because I feel that despite my hard work, it wasn't enough.

I'm angry because I feel like I'm not enough.

I'm angry because I feel selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed.

And I'm angry because...well, I'm angry.

And for over two years, I have stuffed all this anger down deep...way down deep, yet little by little, with every closed door, every discouraged moment, and each feeling of invisibility, the anger has released itself as tears…falling one by one, evidence of a hardening, angry heart.

And so there you have it. 

I’m angry.

So, why, you might ask – am I airing this very personal revelation on the Internet?  Isn’t this the kind of thing you save for a diary or something?  For that matter, isn't anger BAD? 

Well, I'm glad you asked.

I'm airing my junk out right here on the Internet because I know that I am not the only person who has ever been angry at God, at others, or at themselves.  I know that at least one of the two people who actually reads my blog has been angry at some point.  And, so, for you, Reader, I write to encourage you - that anger, left unchecked to grow and fester, will leave you isolated, handicapped, and bitter.

This in mind, tonight I sat down and wrote, in specifics, each situation, each person, and each personal struggle that I believe has contributed to my anger.  Leaving no rock unturned, I composed a much lengthier list that I would ever like to admit.  And when my list was complete, I ripped it up.

And then I flushed it down the toilet.  

Yes, you read that right, I flushed it down the toilet (And you can, too!)

Now, I'm clearly not on the other side of this one yet. 

But, I am believing God for that other side.  I'm believing God to redeem my anger, and to channel it into a reflective practice that challenges the jealousy, insecurity, fear, and doubt that have fueled my anger, and I'm believing God to renew my mind with biblical truth.    

And if you are angry, Reader, I challenge you to believe God for these things, too. 

Because He is not afraid of our anger.

Because God can handle our anger. 

Because God wants to take our anger...and replace it with grace.  

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

25 lessons on living well.

In honor of my 25th birthday, I thought I would compile a list of life lessons I have learned...gradually...over the years.  Many, the hard & bumpy way.  Here's hoping this will bring some encouragement and challenge to you today, Reader, to not just live, but live well.

(1) To quote Bob (the Tomato) & Larry (the Cucumber), "God made me special, and He loves me very much."  Dear Reader, He made you special, too, and loves you to death.  Literally.

(2) Leadership, as summed up by John Piper:  "The aim of leadership is not to demonstrate the superiority of the leader, but to bring out all the strengths of people."  Leadership...well, it just isn't about me. 

(3)  One of the most significant things I can do in a day is to encourage someone to keep going & to never quit...starting with myself. 

(4)  Wondering what the difference between regular vanilla & french vanilla ice cream is?  It's eggs! Who knew?

(5)  Redemption happens everyday.  Grace really is enough for me.

(6)  Rest is as absolutely essential to my relationship with God as any other spiritual discipline.

(7)  As far as family goes, well, I am just very blessed.   

(8)  An Americano with a shot of vanilla & some half/half is almost as good as a latte, and about $1.50 cheaper. 

(9)  Chase the dream.  God planted it in you for a reason.  Don't squelch it.  Don't deny it.  And, don't fear it.    

(10)  Narrow the focus:  It is better to be an inch wide and a mile deep, that a mile wide and an inch deep. 

(11)  The Gospel is the answer to every problem I'll ever face in this life.

(12)  Keep the main thing the main thing (and the main thing ain't me!).  I would rather die a faithful "nobody" to this world, than an unfaithful "somebody."

(13)  Money doesn't grow on trees.  Oh, were that it did...

(14)  Feeling inadequate in what you do?  Don't sulk, don't pout - get better.

(15)  Dear single Christian, enjoy this time...value it...it is not a punishment from God...it is a gift. 

(16)  Sometimes, you just need a quick run in the rain.

(17)  Preparation precedes opportunity.

(18)  Integrity beats talent...every time.  If not at first, then eventually.

(19)  Treasure the time with your loved ones before you find yourself wishing you had treasured it. 

(20)  Oh, that pesky humility:  "Humility is not something you have until humbling yourself is something you do."  -Beth Moore / /Do you seek great things for yourself?  Seek them not.  -Jeremiah 45:5 // Jesus came as a baby in a manger...worked as a carpenter... and "took on the very nature of a servant." 

(21)  The minute you look next door at your neighbor's life, is the minute you lose sight of the Savior.  He has a unique plan for me.

(22)  "Follow your heart" is absolutely THE worst advice anyone could ever give you.  Your heart is decpetively wicked above all things.  Follow Christ, because he is greater than your heart.

(23)  Love is patient, love is kind...it is not rude nor self-seeking.  It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Let's love like this.

(24)  Patience is a virtue.  Sometimes, God just says wait. 

(25)  And, lastly, live the moment, don't always long for the past or wish for the future.  Just enjoy the here and now.  It will be gone all too soon.