reflections.

To a darkened sky I lifted up my tear-stained face,

In desperation, I cried out to You – a prayer of brokenness.

All pretenses gone – the Light revealed my words were only words,

And the chains of fear gripped tighter than they ever had before.

In the season of my shame, I felt You’d left me here alone.

Seeing nothing past my pain, it seemed that all my joy was gone.

But, a gentle voice inside my heart, repeated "Child of Mind, Be Still,

Look to me, Dear One, and receive the Peace that is, for you, My Will."

As I trace Your hand behind me now, my vision becomes clear;

You’ve restored my mind, revived my heart, You have calmed my every fear.

In the stillness of the season that You led me to,

You reminded me that all I need is found in You.

I look before me now, and see the sun shine through the trees.

And every unknown in the future, one more reason to believe, –

I've a purpose in the plan You’re unfolding on this earth,

Lord, I commit my life to Your design, it is You I choose to serve.   

So, when the idols that I cling to here are stripped away from me,

May this heart always remember, Lord, that You alone can be:

My Rock, My Hope, My Prince of Peace, My Shelter in the Storm,

My Shepherd, My Deliverer, and My One and Only Lord.

--11/15/10

dear restless heart...

Dear restless heart, be still; don't fret and worry so;

God has a thousand ways His love and help to show;

Just trust, and trust, and trust, until His will you know.

Dear restless heart, be still, for peace is God's own smile,

His love can every wrong and sorrow reconcile;

Just love, and love, and love, and calmly wait awhile.

Dear restless heart, be brave; don't moan and sorrow so,

He has a meaning kind in chilly winds that blow;

Just hope, and hope, and hope, until you braver grow.

Dear restless heart, recline upon His breast this hour,

His grace is strength and life, His love is bloom and flower;

Just rest, and rest, and rest, within His tender power.

Dear restless heart, be still!  Don't struggle to be free;

God's life is in your life, from Him you may not flee;

Just pray, and pray, and pray, till you have faith to see.

--Edith Willis Linn

memories from 2nd grade.

With the recent explosion of snow we have had in Appomattox lately, I have had quite a few days off of work--and most of them I have spent cleaning and organizing. 

In the course of this, I came across my second grade journal.  You must know that I am quite proud of my second grade journal.  Even now, the "Excellent Journal, Kelly!" that my teacher wrote across the front makes me smile.  I decided to sit down and read through 7-year-old thoughts.  And, I must say that I have not laughed so hard in a very long time.  I've jotted a few of them here, verbatim, just for fun:

"Today me and Caitlin are going to start sowing outfits for the play we are going to do.  We are also going to ask people to help us do it.  I am going to tell people what it is for and Caitlin will ask them.  I hope Caitlin does not quit." 

"Caitlin is my best friend she is not bossy she is really nice I promise." 

"Yesderday I missed school  I was sick.  Last night I was iching like crazy.  Today I am going to take a nap." 

"Me and Caitlin are going to save up our money then we will put it togather and go to Bush Gardens Kings Dominan or Disney World or bye the american girls dolls.  I hope we get a lot of money soon becase I'm getting exsited."

"Me Caitlin and Stephanie have a club.  If we don't want a member in our club we just get 'em out.  We just got a member out the club, it was a boy so we had to.  Anyway the whole group voted to get him out."

"Today is Monday.  We are going to have P.E. I like P.E. and Library.  I don't like music that much. " 

And of the last two, all I can say is that time changes some things more than others.  :)

<3 Kelly

he gives peace.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, through prayer and petition, submit your requests to God; and the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  --Philippians 4:5-6

It is not His intention for us to be ridden with anxiety, or fear, or confusion.  God is not the author of these--oh, but Satan delights in them.  They all fit perfectly within his plan, his plan to cripple us. 

But God says: Beloved, DO NOT be anxious about anything!  Please, bring me everything that worries you, that frightens you; bring me everything that you don't understand and let me have it!  I will handle it for you, and in exchange, I will give you a perfect and incomprehensible peace in your turmoil.  I will guard and protect your heart from bearing the burdens of your troubles (paraphrase).

This is what our gracious & merciful God gives to us in exchange for all of our junk--He gives us peace.

Let us bring before Him every anxious thought, every fear, EVERYTHING that paralyzes us from experiencing true life, and receive the peace that He promises.

"What God gives in answer to our prayers will always be the thing we most urgently need and it will always be sufficient."  --Elisabeth Elliott

the harvest field.

"He told them, 'the harvest is plentiful...'" --Luke 10:2

Almost three years ago, I traved to Haiti on a mission trip with a ministry team from Liberty.  I could go on and on about how that trip impacted my life, but I will just sum it up this way--it changed me.  The precious children that we met and the fearless women who cared for them left me wondering who came to minister to whom.  The mark that their influence and example left upon my life will be an eternal one.  Through their eyes, I glimpsed the heart of God for the poorest of the poor, the diseased and malnourished, the broken and downtrodden, and in that, experienced in a small way how His heart beats for each one of us in our own spiritual sickness and poverty.  He is our great Rescuer.  Though I physically left Haiti three years ago, a little piece of my heart stayed with those precious, precious children.  I think of them and pray for them so often.

Outside of the House of Hope where we ministered, the impression the nation of Haiti left upon me was one of great darkness and fearfulness; quite understandable, given the nations's violent and unstable history.  I could expoud upon this, but the oppressiveness that our team felt individually in our spirits is one that cannot really be explained, but indicated to us one thing:  Haiti is a tragically lost nation, and desperately needs the hope of Jesus Christ.  He alone is Life, and Light, and Healing...He alone can conquer fear.

The past few weeks, I have watched helplessly, with the rest of the world, at the aftermath of the January 12th earthquake in Port-au-Prince.  Images of those streets flash through my mind, and though I have heard that all those at the House of Hope are safe and well (praise the Lord!), I keep thinking of their Haitian brothers and sisters who are not, those who have lost loved ones, their homes, their livelihoods, and their very lives.  I think about those left behind who do not have an Eternal Hope to sustain them and give them comfort.  For these, any "stability" or "security" they relied upon crumbled along with the buildings around them.  How those people need to know Jesus Christ!  How many died on that day that did not?

A little over a week ago, in my sleepy little hometown of Appomattox, a gunman tragically killed eight people.  Among the victims were three high school students, and one precious four-year old little boy.  There is no explanation or rationalization for his actions.  It was a senseless act--one that only reaffirms the fact that we live in a sin-sickened world.  Our security is only an illusion if placed anywhere but in the protection and sovereignty of God.  The tragedy has shaken my small community to the core...and innocent children that I see and teach everyday, sat grieving over the tragic loss of their friends and classmates.  How many of them live a cultural Christianity, how many have little concept of God as personal, that He desires so much more than just a casual nod in His general direction--He wants their hearts.

Jesus' words in Scripture have not lessened in their urgency:  "the harvest is plentiful..." and it exists at all times and in all places, in foreign fields and our own backyards.  Tragedy, unfortunately, is a painful reminder that death is all around us, and so many are not prepared for it.  And, how many live as though they are dead, unaware of the love, the power, and the purpose that God has for them?  It has not been so very long since I was one of those people.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Oswald Chambers:  "God plants His saints in the most useless places.  We say--God intends me to be here becaue I am so useful.  Jesus never estimated His life along the line of the greatest use.  God puts His saints where they will glorify Him, and we are no judges at all of where that is." 

It has been my conception for a long time that in order to live a "successful" Christian life, I am to go out and do something "great for God."  But, the Truth that God has keeps hammering into my heart is that He does not define greatness in the way that I am accustomed to it being defined.  And for that matter, there is absolutely nothing in me that is capable of doing anything "great" in the world at all.  To live for the glory of God means that the greatest thing I am able to offer Him is my willingness.  There is work to be done wherever we find ourselves, if we would only open our eyes.  How greater can I exhibit the compassion of Christ than by sharing both physical and spiritual bread with a displaced Haitian family?  In what greater way can I display the comforting arms of Christ than by sharing Truth with a brokenhearted teenager?  Are we just willing to be His hands and feet, to humble ourselves and serve as Christ did, to be Light in dark places, wherever we find them? 

This world is not our home.  And, as recent events tragically remind us, the harvest fields will not wait.

<3 Kelly

be still.

"A score of years ago, a friend placed in my hand a book called True Peace. It was an old medieval message, and it had but one thought--that God was waiting in the depths of my being to talk to me if I would only get still enough to hear His voice.

I thought this would be a very easy matter, and so began to get still. But I had no sooner commenced than a perfect pandemonium of voices reached my ears, a thousand clamoring notes from without and within, until I could hear nothing but their noise and din.

Some were my own voices, my own questions, some my very prayers. Others were suggestions of the tempter and the voices from the world's turmoil.

In every direction I was pulled and pushed and greeted with noisy acclamations and unspeakable unrest. It seemed necessary for me to listen to some of them and to answer some of them; but God said:

"Be still, and know that I am God." Then came the conflict of thoughts for tomorrow, and its duties and cares; but God said, "Be still."

And as I listened, and slowly learned to obey, and shut my ears to every sound, I found after a while that when the other voices ceased, or I ceased to hear them, there was a still small voice in the depths of my being that began to speak with an inexpressible tenderness, power, and comfort.

As I listened, it became to me the voice of prayer, the voice of wisdom, the voice of duty, and I did not need to think so hard, or pray so hard, or trust so hard; but that "still small voice" of the Holy Spirit in my heart was God's prayer in my secret soul, was God's answer to all my questions, was God's life and strength for soul and body, and became the substance of all knowledge, and all prayer and all blessing: for it was the living GOD Himself as my life, my all."

--L. B. Cowman from Streams in the Desert

and here the road divides...

"I thank my God upon every remembrance of you..."  --Philippians 1:3

Perhaps the most bittersweet aspects of life is that it moves on.  Time does not stand still, it just will not freeze...no matter how much we may wish it to.  On May 9, I graduated from college.  Though it has been nearly two months, it is still so very hard for me to process.  It feels like just yesterday that God brought me to Liberty.  I remember my very first day, moving into Dorm 26-3.  As soon as I drove onto campus, the song "Let's Get It Started" by the Black Eyed Peas came on the radio.  And, yes, I still remember that.  I thought it was so appropriate;)  

As so many of my friends and family know and have heard me talk about many times, my senior year of high school, I had made the decision to attend the University of Virginia.  That summer, I attended orientation, created a class schedule, had a roommate, and even a student ID.  I was ready to go.  But, throughout those months leading up to the fall, I felt an enormous lack of peace.  I knew that something deep in my spirit [the Holy Spirit] was telling me "no."  UVa was a part of my own self-made plans...God had other ideas for my life.  I cannot count the times I have thanked Him for giving me the courage to embrace His path for me, and to come to a place that very quickly became home.    

When I reflect over the my five years at Liberty, one word comes to mind--blessed.  The Lord has provided so many opportunities for involvement and ministry.  I vividly remember one September morning, my freshman year at Liberty--I was sitting in a ministry chapel and heard a female student give a brief testimony of what the Lord was doing, and how He had used her on the ministry team, True Identity.  I distinctively remember my heart beginning to beat a little faster, and I knew, right then and there, that God wanted me to be a part of that ministry.  All I knew is that I wanted to be involved in a ministry that was reaching girls who were where I had been.  I filed the name "True Identity" in the back of my mind.  That night, I wrote it down on a piece of paper.  Nearly six months later, I saw an announcement on the splash page...True Identity was accepting applications.  I immediately applied. 

While serving on True Identity for two years, God introduced me to precious friends who have now become my sisters.  In addition, True Identity opened the door for me to begin working in the Campus Pastor's Office, now Student Care Office, in the avenue of women's ministries and to continue to work there even now (through the end of August).  While on True Identity, I had the opportunity to go overseas on a mission trip to Haiti.  Understand that, at the time, I had a huge desire to go on a mission trip, but was absolutely and completely terrified of planes.  God provided a way for me to go with my sweet True Identity family that was not nearly so frightening.  And this mission trip changed my life.

Also while at Liberty, God gave me the opportunity to serve on student leadership as a prayer leader, SLD, and as an RA.  These have been some of the most stretching and incredibly worthwhile experiences of my life.  Through them, the Lord taught me so much about ministry, about myself, about meeting people right where they are at, about boldness and courage, and compassion and mercy.  There were many tough times and late nights, but I would not have traded a second of any of it.  

Maybe I'm just being a little nostalgic, but it overwhelms me to think that God would use a scared little girl like me for anything.  I feel as though, over my life, are the words:  "God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise...the weak things of the world to confound the mighty."  My RD, Emily, used to share that we should never seek to put ourselves in a position where we are looked at with awe or the impression that nobody could "ever be like us."  Instead, we should always seek for others to look at our lives and say, "Wow!  If God could do that with her--I wonder what He could do with me?"  As I walk away from Liberty, at least for now, that is the kind of legacy that I want to leave--my God is good.

Above every other blessing that I have gained through my time at Liberty, the one I cannot begin to express my gratitude to God for, are the precious people that have walked into my life and have changed it.  I regret that there are many who have no idea how they've influenced me--just by the way I saw them live their life, by their kindness, by their Christ-likeness.  Some I barely knew, some I wish I had more time with, some I hope God allows me to continue to know for many years to come.  This is what hurts my heart most--how do you say goodbye, knowing that, though God brought you together for a brief time, He is now leading you to serve Him separately?  Of my closest friends at Liberty, one will be leaving very shortly for Australia, another moving with her husband to Boston.  Others are still pursuing job opportunities in a variety of places.  Here the road divides for us, but how grateful I am that for this short time, God chose for us to travel the same path.

While during the course of my time at Liberty, I earned a double major, I feel that God did not bring me here necessarily for the pursuit of academics.  That was who I was in high school.  My priorities and dreams have changed greatly since them.  Tears are streaming down my face at this point...for I know who I once was...and I know how He is grown me and is changing me.  I confess that this summer has been one of struggle for me...I just do not know how to "move on" from this place.  So much of who I am now, so much of my heart is invested here.  How do I turn that off, and start over again?  

God is so faithful, and in my crying this question out to God, He led me to this passage in My Utmost for His Highest:  

This Experience Must Come

"And he saw him no more." --2 Kings 2:12

It is not wrong to depend upon Elijah as long as God gives him to you, but remember the time will come when he will have to go; when he stands no more to you as your guide and leader, because God does not intend he should.  
You say--"I cannot go on without Elijah."  
God says you must.

Alone at your Jordan. 

Jordan is the type of separation where there is not fellowship with anyone else, and where no one can take the responsibility for you.  You have to put to the test now what you learned when you were with your Elijah.  You have been to Jordan over and over again with Elijah, but now you are up against it alone.  It is no use saying you cannot go; this experience has come, and you must go.  If you want to know whether God is the God you have faith to believe Him to be, then go through your Jordan alone.

Alone at your Jericho. 

Jericho is the place where you have seen your Elijah do great things.  When you come to your Jericho you have a strong disinclination to take the initiative and trust in God, you want someone else to take it for you.  If you remain true to what you learned with Elijah,

you will get the sign that God is with you.

Alone at your Bethel. 

 At your Bethel you will find yourself at your wit's end and at the beginning of God's wisdom.  When you get to your wit's end and feel inclined to succumb to pain, don't; stand true to God and He will bring His truth out in a way that will make your life a sacrament.  Put into practice what you learned with your Elijah, use his cloak and pray.  Determine to trust in God and do not look for Elijah any more.

This experience, for my life, has indeed come, and I do not know what the future holds, but I am determined, with everything in me, to trust my God who has been so faithful in the past, to be faithful in my every step, my every move.  He will not let my foot slip.  With Him by my side, I will never be alone.   

<3 Kelly