kicking & screaming

I love to people watch. Put me in the courtyard of a shopping mall, or sit me on a bench at a theme park, and I’m entertained for hours. There is just something strangely fascinating about catching that momentary glimpse into the life of another – one more reminder that, for all our differences, we humans are very much the same.

Today was no different.

Midday, I found myself sitting in Thomas Road Baptist Church’s lobby, struggling to reign in my desire to let mind and eyes wander freely away from my not-nearly-as-interesting statistics homework. Despite my best efforts, I could not help but find myself immediately startled by the abrupt scream of a small child.

And boy, do I ever mean scream.

It was a “she’s gonna get a good spanking for this” kind of scream that caused every eye in the lobby to glance upwards. To my immediate right was the source of the commotion – a brown-haired little girl, approximately age four or five. Writhing in her mother’s grip, this little girl was using every bit of strength she possessed to break free as she was led, kicking and screaming, towards the nearest exit. With a resolved expression, despite the intense struggle, her mother led them both, at a quickened pace, towards the door.

Boy, did they ever make a scene.

I’ve been around small children my whole life. Temper tantrums do not faze me one bit.  But, I would hazard a guess that, for most of us, children's temper-tantrums are considered reserved for...well, children.  But, despite maturity and a developing knowledge of what is deemed socially acceptable and what is not (public fit-throwing being high upon that “not” list), God knows that, even now, in the privacy of my own heart, many a fit has been thrown. So, you see, I have no room to judge.

“Lord, I WILL NOT go there.”


“Do not MAKE me go through that.”


“I do NOT WANT to feel this.”


“WHY HER, Lord, and NOT ME?”

Inner kicks...inner screams.

I never could quite make out the original cause of my little friend’s displeasure. Ultimately, it’s not that important. Whatever the cause, I am confident that her mama was planning to deal with it in the privacy of the car. But, the bottom line is that mama did not let my little friend’s fit slow her down, alter her direction, or change her mind. She had made her own little plans, but mama’s were different.

And I’m confident that mama’s were better.

Oh, there is a lesson to be learned everywhere – even from a little four-year-old in the church lobby. May her very human, childlike impulse reinforce the same lesson that my Heavenly Father has been patiently teaching me to live out – His plans are always better. I may carve out my own agenda, but ultimately, He will direct my steps. And, He is a lot more interested in His glory than my pleasure.

My impulse is far too often the very same as my four-year old friend – to follow along, kicking and screaming, missing the journey, forfeiting the joy I could…and should…have in the process. Ultimately, wasting my strength in a battle I will not win.  May I learn, in these times, not to fight Him, but to submit.  

Lord, may you fill me with the spiritual maturity to accept your loving guidance as that of a Parent whose wisdom is greater, and whose agenda is better, even when I cannot see it. With my hand gripped tightly in Your own, help my heart rest in the knowledge that though the journey is often not what I would choose, Your leading is intentional, purposeful, and clear.

Thank you, Lord, for lessons learned in the most unexpected places.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

just lies.

It has been one of those nights. You know the kind. The kind where, for whatever reason, it feels like the bottom has fallen out…again. You know that part of it is because of your own selfishness, part of it jealousy, but the truth of the matter is, the discontentment you’ve attempted to bury deep inside (because you know that, as a Christian, you’re “not supposed” to feel discontent) has risen like a geyser from the deep places where you’ve kept it hidden.

And you’re tired of waiting on God.

Tired of attempting to take action, but not knowing how to look or where to look or what that even means.

Tired of feeling confused, in limbo, and completely alone.

Tired of feeling lost.

Okay, maybe I’m the only one.

But, with the unlocked storehouse of discontentment, other hidden sins arise in tandem - anxiety, fear, jealousy, and confusion, all cycling furiously like a tornado in my mind. And, in their midst, little whispers, ones I’ve heard many times before, speak out again:

“You just don’t have what it takes. Just settle.”

“You will never amount to anything. Stop trying.”

“You are not smart enough for those dreams. Don’t chase them.”

“You will never be pretty enough...or thin enough. Just face it.”

“You’re not worth getting to know. Don’t let them try.”

“You’re simply not brave enough. Play it safe.”

And for a few moments, I let myself believe each and every one.

I was one of those kids that “grew up in church.” I’ve been a Christian since July 31, 1997. But I’ve been in church since conception. And it feels like, since that very moment, my lifelong struggle has been believing the whispers. Hating the whispers, but never knowing what to say to make them go away. What to do, what to read, who to talk to. Feeling that 14 years of being a Christian should have “taught me by now” how to shut them down? Or, quite frankly, to not hear them at all?

But tonight was different.

In a court of law, an accused man is entitled to a proper defense. And in the case of the innocent, that defense consists of little more than simply presenting the Truth. 

Tonight, as I lay curled in the fetal position, I imagined the Father holding me, stroking my hair as He presented His Truth, in my defense, not as a whisper, but as a firm declaration:

She will always have “what it takes” because it is I who works in her to will and to act according to My good purpose. (Phil. 2:13)

She can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens her. (Phil. 4:13)

My divine power has given her everything she needs for life and godliness through her knowledge of Me. (2 Peter 1:3)

She is My handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for her to do. (Eph. 2:10)

She is altogether beautiful…there is not one flaw within her. (Song of Solomon 4:7)

She is fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

I have not given her a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, of power, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

And with his gentle declarations over me, the storm ceases. The peacefulness of my heart is restored.  My joy returns.  The whispers fade.

Because, what I have learned is that His voice is the only one that drowns out the whispers.

His voice exposes them for what they really are:

Just lies.

the big 25 before 25.

Exactly seven months from today (at 6:44 p.m. if you want to be really exact about it), I will be turning 25 years old.  Aside from the typical feelings of "how in the world is this even possible?" and "it's all downhill from here," I do realize that reaching the ripe old age of 25 is a major milestone, and I am grateful to God for the experiences that He has provided me and the opportunities I have had thus far in my life.  
At any rate, in the anticipation of my big quarter-life birthday celebration, I sat down with a blank piece of paper and made a list of the goals, dreams, and ambitions that I desire to achieve before turning the big 2-5. I call this list “The BIG 25 before 25” and have instituted a detailed plan of action in order to achieve these goals before October 17th rolls around.  In composing this list, I have considered each of the various aspects of life - spiritual, physical, academic, emotional, etc.  As you might imagine, it was not as easy as you might think to develop 25 goals that are realistically achievable in just 7th months.  Nevertheless, I believe I have composed a fairly practical and attainable list; therefore, without further ado, I give you the BIG 25 before 25...  

(1) Read the Bible through in 6 months
(2) Memorize one chapter of Scripture each week (with no plans to end this habit on October 17th!)
(3) Write a letter of encouragement to 25 people
(4) Purchase and learn to use a DSLR camera
(5) Buy a car (this one is regretfully included only because I feel the day is rapidly approaching, though I am in no rush to part with my old friend, Green Lightning)
(6) Start a mutual fund
(7) Make a quilt out of all of my favorite childhood t-shirts (currently stored away for safekeeping)
(8) Complete my high school scrapbook
(9) Complete my college scrapbook
(10) Be published
(11) Learn to play Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No. 23 in F minor
(12) Sing a solo (without passing out and/or throwing up)
(13) Pass all 6 of my CLEP tests!
(14) Ride along the beach on a horse wearing a white dress and cowboy boots (this is a dream I've had since I was 8 years old.  I thought it couldn’t hurt to add it to the list...)
(15) Take a painting class
(16) Lose 30 pounds (which might require me to find a new church, new job, new friends, or all three:))
(17) Run a 5K
(18) Learn to play more than an E minor chord on the guitar
(19) Work towards fluency in Spanish
(20) Develop my blog (any progress would be better than the status quo!)
(21) Read one non-academic book per week
(22) Knit a scarf
(23) Maintain a 4.0 in my graduate degree program
(24) Let go of my pent up anger towards everyone in the dental profession (aka: Go to the dentist without fear)
(25) Be intentional about developing new friendships and maintaining old ones

I am excited to pursue and (hopefully!) achieve these goals.  What an exciting way to look towards birthday 25!  Stay tuned for updates on progress:)

reflections.

To a darkened sky I lifted up my tear-stained face,

In desperation, I cried out to You – a prayer of brokenness.

All pretenses gone – the Light revealed my words were only words,

And the chains of fear gripped tighter than they ever had before.

In the season of my shame, I felt You’d left me here alone.

Seeing nothing past my pain, it seemed that all my joy was gone.

But, a gentle voice inside my heart, repeated "Child of Mind, Be Still,

Look to me, Dear One, and receive the Peace that is, for you, My Will."

As I trace Your hand behind me now, my vision becomes clear;

You’ve restored my mind, revived my heart, You have calmed my every fear.

In the stillness of the season that You led me to,

You reminded me that all I need is found in You.

I look before me now, and see the sun shine through the trees.

And every unknown in the future, one more reason to believe, –

I've a purpose in the plan You’re unfolding on this earth,

Lord, I commit my life to Your design, it is You I choose to serve.   

So, when the idols that I cling to here are stripped away from me,

May this heart always remember, Lord, that You alone can be:

My Rock, My Hope, My Prince of Peace, My Shelter in the Storm,

My Shepherd, My Deliverer, and My One and Only Lord.

--11/15/10

dear restless heart...

Dear restless heart, be still; don't fret and worry so;

God has a thousand ways His love and help to show;

Just trust, and trust, and trust, until His will you know.

Dear restless heart, be still, for peace is God's own smile,

His love can every wrong and sorrow reconcile;

Just love, and love, and love, and calmly wait awhile.

Dear restless heart, be brave; don't moan and sorrow so,

He has a meaning kind in chilly winds that blow;

Just hope, and hope, and hope, until you braver grow.

Dear restless heart, recline upon His breast this hour,

His grace is strength and life, His love is bloom and flower;

Just rest, and rest, and rest, within His tender power.

Dear restless heart, be still!  Don't struggle to be free;

God's life is in your life, from Him you may not flee;

Just pray, and pray, and pray, till you have faith to see.

--Edith Willis Linn

memories from 2nd grade.

With the recent explosion of snow we have had in Appomattox lately, I have had quite a few days off of work--and most of them I have spent cleaning and organizing. 

In the course of this, I came across my second grade journal.  You must know that I am quite proud of my second grade journal.  Even now, the "Excellent Journal, Kelly!" that my teacher wrote across the front makes me smile.  I decided to sit down and read through 7-year-old thoughts.  And, I must say that I have not laughed so hard in a very long time.  I've jotted a few of them here, verbatim, just for fun:

"Today me and Caitlin are going to start sowing outfits for the play we are going to do.  We are also going to ask people to help us do it.  I am going to tell people what it is for and Caitlin will ask them.  I hope Caitlin does not quit." 

"Caitlin is my best friend she is not bossy she is really nice I promise." 

"Yesderday I missed school  I was sick.  Last night I was iching like crazy.  Today I am going to take a nap." 

"Me and Caitlin are going to save up our money then we will put it togather and go to Bush Gardens Kings Dominan or Disney World or bye the american girls dolls.  I hope we get a lot of money soon becase I'm getting exsited."

"Me Caitlin and Stephanie have a club.  If we don't want a member in our club we just get 'em out.  We just got a member out the club, it was a boy so we had to.  Anyway the whole group voted to get him out."

"Today is Monday.  We are going to have P.E. I like P.E. and Library.  I don't like music that much. " 

And of the last two, all I can say is that time changes some things more than others.  :)

<3 Kelly

he gives peace.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, through prayer and petition, submit your requests to God; and the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  --Philippians 4:5-6

It is not His intention for us to be ridden with anxiety, or fear, or confusion.  God is not the author of these--oh, but Satan delights in them.  They all fit perfectly within his plan, his plan to cripple us. 

But God says: Beloved, DO NOT be anxious about anything!  Please, bring me everything that worries you, that frightens you; bring me everything that you don't understand and let me have it!  I will handle it for you, and in exchange, I will give you a perfect and incomprehensible peace in your turmoil.  I will guard and protect your heart from bearing the burdens of your troubles (paraphrase).

This is what our gracious & merciful God gives to us in exchange for all of our junk--He gives us peace.

Let us bring before Him every anxious thought, every fear, EVERYTHING that paralyzes us from experiencing true life, and receive the peace that He promises.

"What God gives in answer to our prayers will always be the thing we most urgently need and it will always be sufficient."  --Elisabeth Elliott