and here the road divides...

"I thank my God upon every remembrance of you..."  --Philippians 1:3

Perhaps the most bittersweet aspects of life is that it moves on.  Time does not stand still, it just will not freeze...no matter how much we may wish it to.  On May 9, I graduated from college.  Though it has been nearly two months, it is still so very hard for me to process.  It feels like just yesterday that God brought me to Liberty.  I remember my very first day, moving into Dorm 26-3.  As soon as I drove onto campus, the song "Let's Get It Started" by the Black Eyed Peas came on the radio.  And, yes, I still remember that.  I thought it was so appropriate;)  

As so many of my friends and family know and have heard me talk about many times, my senior year of high school, I had made the decision to attend the University of Virginia.  That summer, I attended orientation, created a class schedule, had a roommate, and even a student ID.  I was ready to go.  But, throughout those months leading up to the fall, I felt an enormous lack of peace.  I knew that something deep in my spirit [the Holy Spirit] was telling me "no."  UVa was a part of my own self-made plans...God had other ideas for my life.  I cannot count the times I have thanked Him for giving me the courage to embrace His path for me, and to come to a place that very quickly became home.    

When I reflect over the my five years at Liberty, one word comes to mind--blessed.  The Lord has provided so many opportunities for involvement and ministry.  I vividly remember one September morning, my freshman year at Liberty--I was sitting in a ministry chapel and heard a female student give a brief testimony of what the Lord was doing, and how He had used her on the ministry team, True Identity.  I distinctively remember my heart beginning to beat a little faster, and I knew, right then and there, that God wanted me to be a part of that ministry.  All I knew is that I wanted to be involved in a ministry that was reaching girls who were where I had been.  I filed the name "True Identity" in the back of my mind.  That night, I wrote it down on a piece of paper.  Nearly six months later, I saw an announcement on the splash page...True Identity was accepting applications.  I immediately applied. 

While serving on True Identity for two years, God introduced me to precious friends who have now become my sisters.  In addition, True Identity opened the door for me to begin working in the Campus Pastor's Office, now Student Care Office, in the avenue of women's ministries and to continue to work there even now (through the end of August).  While on True Identity, I had the opportunity to go overseas on a mission trip to Haiti.  Understand that, at the time, I had a huge desire to go on a mission trip, but was absolutely and completely terrified of planes.  God provided a way for me to go with my sweet True Identity family that was not nearly so frightening.  And this mission trip changed my life.

Also while at Liberty, God gave me the opportunity to serve on student leadership as a prayer leader, SLD, and as an RA.  These have been some of the most stretching and incredibly worthwhile experiences of my life.  Through them, the Lord taught me so much about ministry, about myself, about meeting people right where they are at, about boldness and courage, and compassion and mercy.  There were many tough times and late nights, but I would not have traded a second of any of it.  

Maybe I'm just being a little nostalgic, but it overwhelms me to think that God would use a scared little girl like me for anything.  I feel as though, over my life, are the words:  "God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise...the weak things of the world to confound the mighty."  My RD, Emily, used to share that we should never seek to put ourselves in a position where we are looked at with awe or the impression that nobody could "ever be like us."  Instead, we should always seek for others to look at our lives and say, "Wow!  If God could do that with her--I wonder what He could do with me?"  As I walk away from Liberty, at least for now, that is the kind of legacy that I want to leave--my God is good.

Above every other blessing that I have gained through my time at Liberty, the one I cannot begin to express my gratitude to God for, are the precious people that have walked into my life and have changed it.  I regret that there are many who have no idea how they've influenced me--just by the way I saw them live their life, by their kindness, by their Christ-likeness.  Some I barely knew, some I wish I had more time with, some I hope God allows me to continue to know for many years to come.  This is what hurts my heart most--how do you say goodbye, knowing that, though God brought you together for a brief time, He is now leading you to serve Him separately?  Of my closest friends at Liberty, one will be leaving very shortly for Australia, another moving with her husband to Boston.  Others are still pursuing job opportunities in a variety of places.  Here the road divides for us, but how grateful I am that for this short time, God chose for us to travel the same path.

While during the course of my time at Liberty, I earned a double major, I feel that God did not bring me here necessarily for the pursuit of academics.  That was who I was in high school.  My priorities and dreams have changed greatly since them.  Tears are streaming down my face at this point...for I know who I once was...and I know how He is grown me and is changing me.  I confess that this summer has been one of struggle for me...I just do not know how to "move on" from this place.  So much of who I am now, so much of my heart is invested here.  How do I turn that off, and start over again?  

God is so faithful, and in my crying this question out to God, He led me to this passage in My Utmost for His Highest:  

This Experience Must Come

"And he saw him no more." --2 Kings 2:12

It is not wrong to depend upon Elijah as long as God gives him to you, but remember the time will come when he will have to go; when he stands no more to you as your guide and leader, because God does not intend he should.  
You say--"I cannot go on without Elijah."  
God says you must.

Alone at your Jordan. 

Jordan is the type of separation where there is not fellowship with anyone else, and where no one can take the responsibility for you.  You have to put to the test now what you learned when you were with your Elijah.  You have been to Jordan over and over again with Elijah, but now you are up against it alone.  It is no use saying you cannot go; this experience has come, and you must go.  If you want to know whether God is the God you have faith to believe Him to be, then go through your Jordan alone.

Alone at your Jericho. 

Jericho is the place where you have seen your Elijah do great things.  When you come to your Jericho you have a strong disinclination to take the initiative and trust in God, you want someone else to take it for you.  If you remain true to what you learned with Elijah,

you will get the sign that God is with you.

Alone at your Bethel. 

 At your Bethel you will find yourself at your wit's end and at the beginning of God's wisdom.  When you get to your wit's end and feel inclined to succumb to pain, don't; stand true to God and He will bring His truth out in a way that will make your life a sacrament.  Put into practice what you learned with your Elijah, use his cloak and pray.  Determine to trust in God and do not look for Elijah any more.

This experience, for my life, has indeed come, and I do not know what the future holds, but I am determined, with everything in me, to trust my God who has been so faithful in the past, to be faithful in my every step, my every move.  He will not let my foot slip.  With Him by my side, I will never be alone.   

<3 Kelly

lead me to the Rock.

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I."  --Psalm 61:2

I confess that, tonight, my heart is completely overwhelmed, anxious, and fearful.  I confess that tonight, I am struggling to obey God.  I confess that I'm not even sure what that means for me right now.

One of my favorite professors once gave me a beautiful picture of Psalm 61:2, one that I think of often. 

Tonight, I am a little girl again.  Just arriving at the big parade, I am anxious to see all of the floats, and to enjoy the excitement of the day.  But, being small, I immediately begin to fret at the swarm of the crowd blocking my view.  And though my senses can take in the sounds and the smells, I can still see nothing of the parade, my little eyes can see nothing but the "giants" all around me. 

But, then--I reach up for my Father. 

Raising my arms to be lifted, He picks me up and sits me on his broad shoulders.  Oh, the view from up here!  I can see it all!  Everything is so clear from my new vantage point.  Nothing can now block my view from my seat upon His shoulders.  Nothing stands in my way.

"God is not a deciever, that He should offer to support us, and then, when we lean upon Him, should slip away from us."  --Augustine

joy is a choice.

Today was one of those days...one of those days when, while reading a well-known verse in Scripture, one I would usually just skim over, it, instead, punched me in the face.

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  --2 Thessalonians 5:16-18

As soon as I read those words, I felt this overwhelming conviction.  “Rejoice always"..."pray without ceasing"..."in everything give thanks."  I am 0 for 3.  I do not rejoice always, I do not pray without ceasing, and I definitely do not give thanks in all circumstances. As many times as I have heard or read these verses, it was as though I was reading them for the very first time.  The reason that Paul could write these things is because he knew that, in Christ, we CAN do all three. This is what separates us from those that are lost--we can stare any circumstance, any trial, or any difficulty in the face and rejoice in the middle of it because our joy is not dependent upon our circumstances. Our hope is in Christ, and He promises that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His good purpose.  When I tell God that my life is His, when I pray to be used and to be shaped into Christ’s likeness, I have to be prepared for Him to answer that prayer in any way that will bring Him the most glory. Paul understood this...that is why he could write: "I have learned the secret of being content in all circumstances..."

I CAN pray without ceasing!  Christ's death & resurrection gave me access to the Father in prayer, but how often do I take this for granted?  How little do I recognize the power and the privilege of praying to the God of the Universe?  I don't recognize what it cost Christ for me to have this privilege I take for granted every day.

I CAN not only rejoice in every circumstance, but I can give thanks for it.  To be very honest, this is something I have struggled with so much lately--especially this semester.  The past three months have been so difficult, yet hard to explain as most of the challenge has been internal. Yes, there have been some major external trials, but most of all, God has been dealing with my heart--pruning me, refining me, and it has just been painful. But, as I am writing this, and as this verse reminded me today--my attitude should be one, not of self-pity, not of anger and resentment, but one of gratitude. James writes, “Consider it all joy when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

Philippians 1:6 is one of my absolutely favorite verses. It says, “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus…”  Everything that God does, for my good, is more importantly for His glory. I can trust His heart. I can be grateful that He loves me too much to leave me as I am.  I can thank Him for sanctifying me and perfecting me so that I can bring Him more honor.

Anyway, the application that I have gleaned from all of this is that joy is a choice, and that choice is determined when I decide where I am going to place my focus. When I focus on my own circumstances, my own desires, my own comfort, I will always be discontented.  I choose to fix my eyes on Christ, that He will keep my heart in perfect Peace, and give me a irrepressible joy that no trial can take away. 

"Joy is not gush. Joy is not mere jolliness. Joy is perfect acquiesance, acceptance, rest, in God's will, whatever comes." --Amy Carmichael

<3 Kelly

the abundant life.

"...I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly..." --John 10:10

What would life be like if we had no reservations, no restraints, no fears, no hang-ups, no doubts? How much different would my faith journey be if my eyes were fixed always on Christ, and not on my own insecurities? What would it be like if we lived faith instead of just talked about it? What would happen if "reckless abandon" became more than a cliché phrase, but became characteristic of our lives…of my life?

I believe this is the life Jesus talks about in John 10:10—the abundant life.  A life fully armored against Satan’s attempts to steal, kill, and destroy our joy, contentment, satisfaction, identity, and purpose. Satan always breaks his “promises.” Jesus never does. And, the promise of abundant life is ours...it is mine.

The other day, I was in a conversation with a friend, and in the midst of it, my friend pointed out something about my character that alarmed me, something that I have never realized before.  "Kelly, you never let anyone get too close," my friend said.  And, while my first response was to become defensive, at least in my spirit, upon reflection...my friend was absolutely right.  So often the walls come up when things get too personal, too "close to home," or too vulnerable.   

I say this only because I know that I am not alone.  Satan's attacks may vary from person to person--but his aim is always to cripple us.  Satan does not want us to catch even a glimpse of the wonderfully abundant life that God has in store for us, not just in Heaven, but right here...right now.  He has designed for us to experience an abundance of power, of joy, of community and relationships, of grace, of mercy, and of love.  I want to experience life for all that He desires for it to be--without masks, without hindrances...just free.

This morning I read again the story of Mary & Martha.  I have felt a pull this year between those two women more than ever before in my life--and I must say, my natural inclination is always to "do."  But, I believe, before we can ever experience life in abundance, we have to learn to develop the priority of just sitting & being.  We must be able to look at all that must be done and all that seems urgent and say, "He’s better."  It all comes down to this one thing--worship.  What am I going to worship?  Will I worship Him or my own insecurities?  Him or my own fears?  Him or my doubts?  Him or my to-do list?

It is so hard for us to grasp all that is available for us as believers if we would but recieve it!  There is nothing we could ever do to deserve or to earn it.  We've only to accept it, to worship Him...and then to walk in the abundant life that He offers us.

<3 Kelly

in loving memory.

David Covington (1959-2009)

With his first grandson, Carter Ryan

What changes just one week can bring. Last week at this time, I was helping my RD, Emily, with RA Exposure weekend...completely unaware that, by the end of the night, I would get a message to call home. My uncle's house was on fire & he was, at that time, unaccounted for. The fire department was unable to give any definite news, but had prompted my mom & her sister to go and prepare my grandparents for the worst. My stomach dropped, and I rushed back to my room to wait for the final phone call that I knew was coming. My roommate, Jillian, sat with me while I cried, prayed, and waited. When the phone call did come, I immediately went home. By the time I arrived in Appomattox, it was around 1:30 am, and most of my family was already at my grandparent's home. I firmly believe that there is one emotion that is stronger and more painful than one's own grief, and that is the helplessness of watching those you love most in the world endure it.

What a tremendously difficult week it has been...but, over the course of it, I have gained a deep love & appreciation for the body of Christ like never before. Our church family has been ministering to my cousins, my grandparents, my mom & her sister in countless ways. The love, support, and compassion poured out on them has been overwhelming--I cannot even begin to describe it except to say that the church has been the church. David's funeral was on Wednesday...and it was beautiful. He had no idea how many people loved him and cared for him. The praise team sang "Go Rest High" which was one of his favorite songs. It was so meaningful...and I know that is exactly what David is doing...resting in the arms of the Most High.

There is so much else I could say or share, but the bottom line is: much intercession is needed. My heart is so heavy for all my family, but especially for my cousin, John. The situation regarding my uncle & his death is one that I cannot comprehend. This was not the answer my family wanted or was expecting to the prayers we have been praying for him. And, yet, I have to remind myself that, every day, God works in ways that confound us. And so, we must trust. We must hold on to hope.

I have a picture of hope that I have been clinging to this entire week. My mom is the executor of my uncle's estate, and so, last Sunday, she & I got permission from the police to search the house for any possible undestroyed papers, documents, anything that could help begin the process of taking care of the final details. This was, emotionally, one of the hardest things I have ever done. The house was basically a shell--and most of the interior was completely destroyed. In my uncle's bedroom, even things hidden in drawers had been melted and charred, yet, as we searched, we came across a Bible sitting on his bedside table. And outside of the layer of ash covering it, was remarkably intact. Sitting there on the floor, holding that Bible, all I could think was...in the most tragic moments of our lives...our Hope is always preserved. No flame can touch it. It is the reality of our Living Hope that is my family's deepest comfort...and we know & believe His promise that all things work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His good purpose. And, while I know that we will continue to grieve, we have to trust our God whose ways are perfect, and who, I absolutely believe is, even now, creating beauty from the ashes.

David is, right now, delighting in the beauty of God's presence...and we could have no greater prayer for him than that.

"I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."

--Jeremiah 31:13

"...and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes...there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain."

--Revelation 21:4

David & I the day of my high school graduation.  He was a car salesman & I had been joking with him about bringing me home a convertible as a graduation gift.  He actually brought me this one from the lot & the two of us drove it all around town...I was at least able to pretend it was mine for a little while!  This is one of my sweetest memories.